We Are Not Things to Be Fixed

Tell me if this sounds familiar: 

“I just have to get to…” “I just have to finish…” “I just have to wait for…”

Anything come up for you? Let’s unpack this. 

During my second to last semester of college I found myself, for weeks, waiting for Christmas break. My head was a constant cycle of “I just have to get to…” and “I just have to make it to…” I was convinced everything would settle and be solved as soon as I got home for Christmas break. And it did, in a way, but nothing like how I thought it would. I do this a lot—  reach for things outside myself in hopes things inside will go away or be “completed”. They usually manifest in: 

“If I just lose this much weight”

“If I just become a little more fit”

“If I just pass this class”

“If I just book this audition”

“If I just tell him I still love him”

“If I just solve this family issue”

“If I just go to therapy enough times”

“If I just graduate”

“If I just move”

“If I just make more friends” 

“If I just become more social”

I am not here. I am not here right now. I am off in the future trying to solve issues that are beyond my control. I am no where near the present moment. I am stuck in the past trying to fix things that have already happened. I am in my head telling myself stories about other people—  they don’t like me or I’m a burden. That isn’t living, that’s planning, that’s justifying, that’s distracting. Nothing will fix me, there’s nothing to fix. 

Going on a break from school doesn’t “solve it all”. Graduating won’t make me happy. Booking all the jobs in the world won’t create the person I want to be. It could help, oh it could definitely help. But if it’s not one thing, it’s another. If my professional life is going well, I pick at my personal. If my physical health is going well I pick at my mental. 

It’s always something else, because society tells us we are something to be fixed. What it doesn’t tell us is that fixing, shifting, progressing will never happen externally. It all starts internally, darling. I have to learn to sit in the now. Be sad. Know you aren’t alone even if you feel like you are. Know what you are struggling with isn’t dramatic or a burden. It’s valid and deserves to be felt and heard and understood. You are worthy of your own respect and patience. If you aren’t happy, I’m sorry. But I don’t think you’ll find that happiness in the external. You won’t find it in the past or the future. Try to find it in the present. Breathe in, breathe out. You’re here now. And that’s good enough. 

Logan Floyd